i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
