You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
