You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
