I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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