i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
