I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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