i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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