Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
