Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
