Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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