I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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