She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
