My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
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I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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