i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
