I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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