So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
All I want is dick and wine.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
