you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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