I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
