I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
