The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
