You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
