she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Let's paint friendship bongs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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