Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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