Just mADE A PArabola og urine
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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