FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
