I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
