woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
