Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
