I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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