the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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