Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
