Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
