mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize
