i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
