I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
