you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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