Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"