The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She bit a glass in half.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
