I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
