There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
