So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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