Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
