I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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