I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The air was thick with penises
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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