The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
