Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
