The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
