Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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