So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
