guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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