I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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